Hi Readers of Out of My Mind! I’m Charla’s friend Pam, and I’ve been invited to tell you about my experience with online dating. I’m eminently qualified because I actually met my husband on eHarmony. Never mind that I only had five dates, and was just starting to get it right on that fateful day when I met Stan. Here’s how it happened.
I’d had the idea of joining eHarmony in the back of my mind, and one evening (Nothing to read? Reruns on HGTV?) I started answering the questionnaire that is used to select your “matches”. The instructions suggest not to agonize or overthink the questions, just answer and move on, so I completed it quickly. I forget the exact order of things, but around the same time I committed with my credit card for a six-month membership. Suddenly emails came flooding in with matches for me! Actual photos and profiles, presumably of real men, and I wasn’t ready. I was “wasting” all those potential dates as I had no profile and no photo.
Tip #1 – Get your ducks in a row before signing up.
I ran next door to where my son and his family lived, and my daughter-in-law took a photo of me. Here’s the one she took. I posted it, along with a hastily-written, but clever profile, and waited for those guys to contact me. Nothing happened.
I’d had the idea of joining eHarmony in the back of my mind, and one evening (Nothing to read? Reruns on HGTV?) I started answering the questionnaire that is used to select your “matches”. The instructions suggest not to agonize or overthink the questions, just answer and move on, so I completed it quickly. I forget the exact order of things, but around the same time I committed with my credit card for a six-month membership. Suddenly emails came flooding in with matches for me! Actual photos and profiles, presumably of real men, and I wasn’t ready. I was “wasting” all those potential dates as I had no profile and no photo.
Tip #1 – Get your ducks in a row before signing up.
I ran next door to where my son and his family lived, and my daughter-in-law took a photo of me. Here’s the one she took. I posted it, along with a hastily-written, but clever profile, and waited for those guys to contact me. Nothing happened.
Tip #2 – the photo is critical. Unfortunately we judge and are judged on appearance so it’s worth the effort to get a good photo.
Over the next week or two dozens of new matches arrived in my mailbox. (I think I am a common personality type – there were always many matches.) No contacts. I tried initiating a couple of contacts myself with no response. I was curious about my competition so one day I signed into one of the online dating sites saying I was a man looking to meet women ages 45 to 60. I should tell you I was 60 at that time, and the photos were intimidating. Most were obviously professional photographs. These women had longer, thicker hair than I do and they knew how to put on makeup. They looked young and beautiful. And sexy.
I spent an entire weekend taking photos of myself in various outfits and poses. I was too embarrassed to involve the kids, so I rigged up the camera to use the time delay and took at least 40 or 50 pictures. I still wasn’t happy when late Sunday evening I tried one more time and bingo – I got a photo that looked much better than myself in real life
Over the next week or two dozens of new matches arrived in my mailbox. (I think I am a common personality type – there were always many matches.) No contacts. I tried initiating a couple of contacts myself with no response. I was curious about my competition so one day I signed into one of the online dating sites saying I was a man looking to meet women ages 45 to 60. I should tell you I was 60 at that time, and the photos were intimidating. Most were obviously professional photographs. These women had longer, thicker hair than I do and they knew how to put on makeup. They looked young and beautiful. And sexy.
I spent an entire weekend taking photos of myself in various outfits and poses. I was too embarrassed to involve the kids, so I rigged up the camera to use the time delay and took at least 40 or 50 pictures. I still wasn’t happy when late Sunday evening I tried one more time and bingo – I got a photo that looked much better than myself in real life
Too business-like. Too Frumpy
Just right!
Things started to happen. I think the way eHarmony leads you through early communication is helpful. I’m sure some folks prefer just making contact and setting up a date, as you would on Match.com or other sites, but I found the gradual progression from answering multiple choice questions, to essay questions, to emails using a secure address to be comfortable for me. At any stage you can terminate further communication with someone with a click. Sounds harsh, but after it was done to me a few times I realized it is impersonal and for the best.
Tip #3 – once you realize a match is not for you, move on. And don’t take it personally!
A few I ended: one who loved his RV and wanted to go camping all the time. One who kept complaining about his ex. Several who couldn’t write a grammatical email. And one who wrote in his list of “Must Haves and Can’t Stands” that he can’t stand a woman who is overweight, while in his photo he was obviously neither slim nor fit.
Finally I was asked to dance – my first date! We met for breakfast and I was as nervous as I would be for a job interview. Long story short, we had a lovely chat and my feelings were hurt at the end, when he said we obviously weren’t a good match because he was retired and wanted to travel and I was still working. Since my job was in my profile he needn’t have met me to learn I worked full time, so I assumed he wasn’t attracted to me. I wasn’t attracted to him either, but it still stung.
Second date – this guy was moving to California the following week, so I suggested we let it go, but he said let’s meet anyway. We agreed to take a walk at a park along the water. Fun! Easy to talk to! We decided to have dinner. He was a regular at the restaurant and wanted to split a salad and an entrée. Okay… as long as nothing too spicy. We ended up with his choice – spicy.
Tip #4 – Pay attention! It doesn’t matter for one meal, but do you want to spend much time with someone who ignores your wishes?
Third date – this guy was going to a meeting of a sailing club and invited me to meet him there. Hmmm – different – but okay. I arrived first and people were nice to me during the pre-meeting chat. When the guy arrived he introduced himself and sat next to me, but other than that, nothing. I sat through a fairly interesting meeting – could have signed up for a sail – and left knowing we’d never contact each other again.
Fourth date – wow – this guy acted like it was love at first sight. He hugged me when I walked into the restaurant and held my hands over the lunch table. We had had quite a few lengthy emails and phone calls so conversation was easy. His personality wasn’t quite as I had imagined, but I was interested in getting to know him further.
Tip #5 – Don’t wait too long to meet in person. The real person is never going to live up to the ideal image in your mind, so I think better to find out the truth early on.
Again, long story short. We dated for about a month, not really easy because we lived an hour apart not counting traffic. It took a while, but I started to notice that (a) my stomach hurt when we were going to meet, and (b) he occasionally was a bit rude, or said something that hurt my feelings. I was both disappointed and relieved when he told me he was back together with his long-time girlfriend.
Tip #6 – see tip #4 – Pay attention!! Why was I still seeing him when he wasn’t very kind??
Fifth date – Stan! I had been looking at the photo of this match, liking the twinkle in his eye, but thinking he was a bit old – at 67, 7 years older than I. I wasn’t going to initiate contact, but when he contacted me with a list of multiple choice questions, I responded. We worked our way through the communication fairly quickly – grammatically correct paragraphs! Interesting emails! No weird Must Haves or unreasonable Can’t Stands! I was in bed late on a Sunday morning with my coffee and laptop when we agreed in email it would be nice to meet in person and I sent my phone number. A minute later the phone rang!
Things started to happen. I think the way eHarmony leads you through early communication is helpful. I’m sure some folks prefer just making contact and setting up a date, as you would on Match.com or other sites, but I found the gradual progression from answering multiple choice questions, to essay questions, to emails using a secure address to be comfortable for me. At any stage you can terminate further communication with someone with a click. Sounds harsh, but after it was done to me a few times I realized it is impersonal and for the best.
Tip #3 – once you realize a match is not for you, move on. And don’t take it personally!
A few I ended: one who loved his RV and wanted to go camping all the time. One who kept complaining about his ex. Several who couldn’t write a grammatical email. And one who wrote in his list of “Must Haves and Can’t Stands” that he can’t stand a woman who is overweight, while in his photo he was obviously neither slim nor fit.
Finally I was asked to dance – my first date! We met for breakfast and I was as nervous as I would be for a job interview. Long story short, we had a lovely chat and my feelings were hurt at the end, when he said we obviously weren’t a good match because he was retired and wanted to travel and I was still working. Since my job was in my profile he needn’t have met me to learn I worked full time, so I assumed he wasn’t attracted to me. I wasn’t attracted to him either, but it still stung.
Second date – this guy was moving to California the following week, so I suggested we let it go, but he said let’s meet anyway. We agreed to take a walk at a park along the water. Fun! Easy to talk to! We decided to have dinner. He was a regular at the restaurant and wanted to split a salad and an entrée. Okay… as long as nothing too spicy. We ended up with his choice – spicy.
Tip #4 – Pay attention! It doesn’t matter for one meal, but do you want to spend much time with someone who ignores your wishes?
Third date – this guy was going to a meeting of a sailing club and invited me to meet him there. Hmmm – different – but okay. I arrived first and people were nice to me during the pre-meeting chat. When the guy arrived he introduced himself and sat next to me, but other than that, nothing. I sat through a fairly interesting meeting – could have signed up for a sail – and left knowing we’d never contact each other again.
Fourth date – wow – this guy acted like it was love at first sight. He hugged me when I walked into the restaurant and held my hands over the lunch table. We had had quite a few lengthy emails and phone calls so conversation was easy. His personality wasn’t quite as I had imagined, but I was interested in getting to know him further.
Tip #5 – Don’t wait too long to meet in person. The real person is never going to live up to the ideal image in your mind, so I think better to find out the truth early on.
Again, long story short. We dated for about a month, not really easy because we lived an hour apart not counting traffic. It took a while, but I started to notice that (a) my stomach hurt when we were going to meet, and (b) he occasionally was a bit rude, or said something that hurt my feelings. I was both disappointed and relieved when he told me he was back together with his long-time girlfriend.
Tip #6 – see tip #4 – Pay attention!! Why was I still seeing him when he wasn’t very kind??
Fifth date – Stan! I had been looking at the photo of this match, liking the twinkle in his eye, but thinking he was a bit old – at 67, 7 years older than I. I wasn’t going to initiate contact, but when he contacted me with a list of multiple choice questions, I responded. We worked our way through the communication fairly quickly – grammatically correct paragraphs! Interesting emails! No weird Must Haves or unreasonable Can’t Stands! I was in bed late on a Sunday morning with my coffee and laptop when we agreed in email it would be nice to meet in person and I sent my phone number. A minute later the phone rang!
Stan's eHarmony photo!
Tip #7 – Be as flexible as you can about things like age and appearance. Know what really matters to you (he can write a decent email) and what you can live with (age difference).
We met that evening, and that was the end of my eHarmony adventure, and the beginning of the rest of my life. Neither of us “fell in love” at that first meeting, but we met the following weekend for a hike, after which he cooked dinner for me at his house. (Of course, I had Googled him and checked out the house on Zillow. Also gave my son the address and phone number, just in case.) I still tell Stan the sexiest thing a man can wear is an apron! Two years later, I moved in with him, and the following year we were married, in a lovely ceremony officiated by my very dear daughter-in-law (Charla’s daughter, Alethea!) at our home, surrounded by people who love us.
How lucky I am! I truly wish the same happy ending for Charla, and everyone else brave and adventurous enough to put themselves out there to meet people!
Tip #8 – This is a great book. Daters – read it! Parents – give it to your dating kids!
Link: http://www.amazon.com/Falling-Love-All-Right-Reasons/dp/044669388X
Regardless of whether a person is using online dating or meeting potential partners in other ways, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons by Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, is a valuable lesson in paying attention.
**Pam is my friend and my daughter’s mother in law. Shouldn’t there be a name for women who are mothers in law; how about just “sisters?” Anyway, she has a wonderful blog, for which I wrote a guest post, right here: http://grammygettingstrong.blogspot.com
Tip #7 – Be as flexible as you can about things like age and appearance. Know what really matters to you (he can write a decent email) and what you can live with (age difference).
We met that evening, and that was the end of my eHarmony adventure, and the beginning of the rest of my life. Neither of us “fell in love” at that first meeting, but we met the following weekend for a hike, after which he cooked dinner for me at his house. (Of course, I had Googled him and checked out the house on Zillow. Also gave my son the address and phone number, just in case.) I still tell Stan the sexiest thing a man can wear is an apron! Two years later, I moved in with him, and the following year we were married, in a lovely ceremony officiated by my very dear daughter-in-law (Charla’s daughter, Alethea!) at our home, surrounded by people who love us.
How lucky I am! I truly wish the same happy ending for Charla, and everyone else brave and adventurous enough to put themselves out there to meet people!
Tip #8 – This is a great book. Daters – read it! Parents – give it to your dating kids!
Link: http://www.amazon.com/Falling-Love-All-Right-Reasons/dp/044669388X
Regardless of whether a person is using online dating or meeting potential partners in other ways, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons by Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, is a valuable lesson in paying attention.
**Pam is my friend and my daughter’s mother in law. Shouldn’t there be a name for women who are mothers in law; how about just “sisters?” Anyway, she has a wonderful blog, for which I wrote a guest post, right here: http://grammygettingstrong.blogspot.com